The Lecture

Daniil Kharms

     Pushkov said: -- Woman is the workbench of love.
     And he immediately received a clout across the gob.
     -- What's that for? -- asked Pushkov.
     But, not getting any  answer to his question, he continued:  -- This is
what I think: a  woman should be tackled from below. Women really like  this
and only pretend that they don't like it.
     At this point Pushkov was again struck across the gob.
     -- But what  on earth  is this,  comrades! If  that's the way it  is, I
won't carry on speaking -- said Pushkov.
     But,  after waiting about a quarter  of a minute,  he  continued: --  A
woman is so built that she is all soft and damp.
     At this point Pushkov was again struck across the gob. Pushkov tried to
pretend that he hadn't  noticed this  and went  on: --  If you  just sniff a
woman...
     But at this point  Pushkov was so slammed across the gob that he caught
hold of his cheek  and said:  --  Comrades,  under  these  conditions  it is
absolutely impossible to  deliver a lecture. If  this happens again, I shall
discontinue.
     Pushkov waited for  a quarter of a minute and then  continued: --  Now,
where were we? Ah, yes. That was  it.  A woman loves to look at herself. She
sits down in front of the mirror completely naked...
     At this word, Pushkov again received a clout across the gob.
     -- Naked -- repeated Pushkov.
     Smack! -- he was weighed into right across the gob.
     -- Naked! -- yelled Pushkov.
     Smack! -- he received a clout across the gob.
     --  Naked! A naked woman! A nude tart! --  Pushkov kept yelling. Smack!
Smack! Smack! -- Pushkov took it across the gob.
     -- A nude tart with a ladle in her hands! -- yelled Pushkov.
     Smack! Smack! -- the blows rained down on Pushkov.
     -- A tart's bum-hole! -- yelled Pushkov, dodging the blows.  --  A nude
nun!
     But  at this  point  Pushkov was struck  with such force that  he  lost
consciousness and crumpled to the floor as though pole-axed.

             1940